5 Ways to Dump a Friend: WWE Style

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

-Jim Rohn

This quote, or some variant of, makes its way around social media – ALL THE F*CKING TIME.  Yeah, me and my friends are the coolest.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Well, but that one guy though…

Now, what do you do about that one guy who is no longer up to par?

Do you have a friend who needs to get lost?

Thankfully, WWE has given us timeless examples of how to dump that friend of yours who is (only) a B+ (at best) player.  You’re moving up.  You’re moving on.

Here are 5 Ways to Dump a Friend:  WWE Style.

1. Put them through a barbershop window

Everyone has a friend like Marty Jannety.  He’s just, well, boring. You pity him (especially if he has a sweet mullet, too).  His vanilla does not mix with your rocky road.

Well, you and your friend just may find yourselves in a barbershop and when you do, it is time to cut bait, and ditch your friend.  “Sorry, bro – it’s not me.  It’s you”  (He’ll leave in such shame and disgrace, that he’ll find his way out through the window.  Sidenote:  never get your hair cut from a barber if he looks like this or this.  Run.).

2.  A chair to the back of the spine

You’re the chosen one.  You’re the rightful heir to the future and present.  You find yourself in the predicament that you need to eliminate two friends at the same time.  The weaponry simply acts to neutralize the numbers advantage.

3.  Your Title/Trophy to their Face

Is your friend jealous and envious of you and your standing with your significant other?

Is your friend jealous of well – you.

Don’t take their two-face, prayer saying, vitamin eating, hard training  ways.  They’ll attempt to move-in and steal your thunder (and your girl).  Thankfully, your (Madness) ways will take matters into your own hands and your championship will find a new home -their face.

4.  Tear apart their belongings

Is your friend avoiding you at all costs?  Do they like to ghost your invitations?  “Hey man, I want a shot at the title.”  Friend:  (silence).  Bring in a new friend (his replacement) to serve as a manager and talking piece.  When you’re the 8th Wonder of the World, you do not need to talk any more than you are required.  After your new friend says what he needs, just rip off their shirt.  Your sheer intensity will cause their respective religious medallion to rip off in the process, too.  Sorry man – you should have just texted me back.

5.  Put Their Face on TV

Does your friend blatantly lie?  Do not tolerate their poor morals and character.  You can do better.  Once their head goes through a television, your message will come across loud and clear:  you are moving on.

 

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Make Wrestling Great Again!

Hulk Hogan.  ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage.  Andre the Giant.  Ultimate Warrior.  Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts.  ‘Ravishing’ Rick Rude.  The Undertaker.  Mr. Perfect.

Do those names look familiar?  If not, I am sincerely sorry.  If so, you had an amazing childhood – gold star unlocked.

Either way, at Renaissance Nerd we will introduce (or reintroduce) you to the nuances of professional wrestling.  This will encompass a historical perspective of wrestling as I knew it as a child with the names above, to the Monday Night Wars feature WCW and NWO, to the Ruthless Aggression era, to today’s wrestling.

“Pat, but professional wrestling is fake.”  Sure, Professional wrestling is predetermined; however, it is most definitely not fake.  Just ask Mick Foley how he felt after the Undertaker threw him off the Hell in Cell.  Predetermined, yeah.  Fake, hell no.

Pat – we need you to fall from the cage.  F*ck it, I’m out.

This brings it back to myself, and professional wrestling – why do I enjoy it so much?  The answer is simple, but innocent.  Of all the pleasures I enjoy, few connect me to my childhood.  Aside from the Baltimore Orioles, the one constant has and always will be professional wrestling.  I can, from memory, tell you the context of the time frame of where I was when random events occurred in the WWF.  Most importantly, I remember the first time I watched a Pay Per View, and  I remember like it was yesterday.  The 1994 Royal Rumble.

1994 Royal Rumble

“Don’t you ask your Grandmother if you can get that wrestling shit!”

I was told this as I was being dropped off at my grandmother’s house.  (30 minutes later)

“Bubbie (my grandmother is Jewish)…(all sheepish like a 9 year old would ask), can I, I mean, can we order the Royal Rumble?  I was told not to ask you…”

Sure as shit – she ordered it.  Something along the lines she was going to do whatever she damn well pleased.  Anyways….THIS WAS IT!  The 30 man over the top battle royal where the winner would go on to WRESTLEMANIA for a shot at the title.  Undertaker was facing Yokozuna (a morbidly obese Samoan who portrayed a sumo wrestler…WWF is not racially sensitive) in a CASKET MATCH for the WWF title.  Somehow this sumo wrestler was wearing the same strap that Hulk Hogan used to wear so clearly this sumo wrestler was as good as Hulk Hogan (according to kayfabe).

Well, the Undertaker was all ready to win and defeat the obese sumo wrestler until Mr. Fuji contracted 4098 wrestlers to prevent the Undertaker from winning the casket match.  Complete, and utter bull shit.  Then…the Undertaker ascended into the heavens (see below) and gave me nightmares for a solid week.  Hell, most likely until I was at least 24.

Nightmare inducing video – watch at your own risk

Then it was time for the MAIN EVENT – the ROYAL RUMBLE.  I must have watched this match at least 93 times in the weeks which followed.  Hell, it is predetermined AND I knew who was going to win, but I would watch anyways.  Big Daddy Cool Diesel would go on to eliminate about 18 guys and kick the shit out of these two dudes in cowboy boots and tight Wrangler jeans (The Smoking Gunns — get it? [sigh]).  But the big question on everyone’s mind – would Bret Hart (my favorite) return after injuring his knee earlier in the night in a Tag Team Match.  Owen (Bret’ brother) kicked his leg under his leg.  Got that?  Damnit Owen, you ruined it.

Owen Hart articulating kicking a leg under a leg?  I’m still confused.

Well, somehow some dude named Lex Luger who bored me to tears came out with his titanium plated bicep draped in red, white, and blue and would spoil the party.  He’d go on a tear and eliminate nearly everyone until my man Bret Hart hobbled down to the ring.  He must have taken some Aleve or a few Tylenol – something, but here he was!  And then it happened.  Bret and Lex tangled up, and went over the ropes…and boom both of their feet hit the floor.  At.  The.  Same.  Time.  Co-winners.  I was 9, confused, and pissed.  How could this guy cost Bret the opportunity to wrestle Yokozuna and his 23409 friends at Wrestlemania?

Oh well, I was hooked.  I was hooked prior to watching the Royal Rumble, but I sure as hell was hooked afterwards.

The 2017 Royal Rumble is in a few weeks, and there is one thing I know – Lex Luger better not come out and mess up this one for anybody.